Dave Balls does a crit

Today, I am criting a few advertising magazines. Why? I don’t know. And more to the point, I really don’t care.

Archive
Ads aren’t poncy arty-shite. They sell stuff. Get over it. You’re not Leonado Da Fuckin’ Vinci, you’re an Art Director selling paint or sofas or bastard bird feed. Just because it’s in Archive, it don’t mean it’s art. Archive the world’s most expensive magazine. Filled with ads. What a fucking brilliant idea. Let’s make a magazine fill it with ads then sell it back to the people who make the fuckin’ ads in the first place. Lurcher or whatever his name is, is a genius. And you’re a twat for getting excited cos you’re in it.

So, Archive get’s Dave Balls rating of 6 out of 10 for fukin’ over advertisers.

Creative Review
Design wank. Backslapping, poncy, Diesel-wearing, toss. If it was a person, it’d be Andy Warhol. Overhyped Twat. Dave Balls was impressed - it does happen- by Mother hi-jacking it and basically pissing off the entire design community by saying ‘you sell stuff.’
I wish I’d thought of that you clever gits.

Gets an ‘up-its-own-arse’ Dave Balls rating of 4. Sometimes has nice ads. But normally full of logos and designers called Quentin. (NB. The Mother edition get a Dave Balls rating of 9.)

Campaign
If you’re in London, you can read your name in it. If you’re not you can’t. Unless you’ve just killed a London Creative. Like you could be arsed. Makes you think you look cool reading it on the underground. When in fact it lets everyone know you are a knobjockey.

Dave Balls rating of 4. Southern biased bastards.

The Drum
This will mean nothing to anyone in London. It is the Sad inbred northern Ying to Campaign’s well-groomed, porche-driving Yang (think Rainman). Regional ad mag so everyone outside the capital can read their name in the press cos they know they’ll never be in Campaign.

Little known fact, if you are in the regions you will eventually be in it. And you don’t have to kill anyone. But don’t let that stop you.

Gets a Dave Balls rating of 4. It would have got more, but it is based in Scotland. And they didn’t support England in the World Cup.