Dave Balls Advertising Agony Uncle

As you may have guessed from my previous posts, Dave Balls is a creative guru, knowledgeable about all things advertising. Like Trevor Beattie, only with a decent haircut. And without the silly fucking accent.

So, ask me a bastard question or petty problem and through the power of the Internet, your query will be answered - probably.

Whether you gets an answer depends on a number of things:

1. Dave Balls knows the answer.
Although let's face it, when has that ever stopped someone in a client meeting spouting on for what seems like hours without saying anything of any god-damn relevance?

2. It is a decent bloody question.
I'm not answering any old bollocks.

3. Dave Balls gives a shit.
Dave Balls is busy doing ads not sat around waiting for you and your pointless fucking questions.

Little known fact: Planners are like jellyfish. They serve no purpose and they are bastards.

Weekend Balls

So, what does Dave Balls do at the weekend when he is not doing advertising? Well, he spends his time looking at other people's ads.

And I found the above creative jiz. I have no idea who did it. I have no idea where it ran. I have no idea why I bother when I see shit like this.

The fucking fact that 'Drink' and 'Drive' both start with 'Dri' and making me aware of the fact is enought to drive me to drink.

I've got news for you whever did this ad - Fuckwit, Fucker, Fuckhead, Fuckstick, Fuck-up and Fuck-you-in-the-ear all begin with Fuc.

How on God's green Earth does the above make me stop drink driving ? Dave Balls ticks both boxes. Your ad ticks none. Unless there's a Twaticus box. Whatever the fuck that is. Makes as much sense as that piece of shit ad.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Fuck-Up

Ever wondered if advertising works? Well, wonder no more, cos Dave Balls has proof. It has the power to lose you your job. As demonstrated by two Creatives at Saatchi’s in China.

Jesus-H-Christ these guys were thick. It is stories like this that brighten up my day. Now this did happen a few months ago. But I am not a fucking newspaper here.

First some background. There’s a website called adsoftheworld.com (if you’ve not been to it then do. It gets the Dave Balls stamp of approval). The site lets creative show-off to the world with their work. It’s a bit like Archive, only not as up its own arse and best of all you can slag off the work – now you see why I like it.

So anyway, these two Joeys decide to put this on:

For the short sighted ones - and if my mum was right, that is most of us, becasue we're ad wankers and it sends you blind - the line is 'Rebuild it, Lego'.

A nano-second later, the rest of the world is ready to lynch them - especially the Americans who think using the deaths of thousands of people to sell a kids building block is a tad off brief. Now, it seems these two creative fuckheads expected the world to applaud them for being advertising gods. And in order to receive their full credit these brain-donor numpties gave their names and said the work was produced on behalf of their agency - Saatchi’s China. But rather than advertisng gods, they are to become adverting son's of God, as they about to be fucking crucified.

Now, Saatchi’s finds out. I assume 2 nano-seconds later and make them pen a grovelling letter apologising for being so fucking stupid:

How many people apologise to the whole world, then end it 'Warm Regards'? They just keep getting stupider by the nano-second.

But it doesn’t end there. It gets better, stay with me. Saatchi’s then release this:

SAATCHI & SAATCHI
Statement from Saatchi & Saatchi China:
I would like to call to your attention to clarify that the previous LEGO ads posted here did not come from Saatchi & Saatchi China. Lego is not our China client. The creation of these fake ads was purely personal behavior. Saatchi & Saatchi China ( the company, senior executives, and our creative directors) have never seen nor approved to run these ads. After indepth investigation, two staff have been dismissed today as their irresponsible personal behavior have severely affected our company's professional image. Their illegally using Saatchi & Saatchi's name, and the senior director's name behind those ads without our company's consent is an intolerable act. We, Saatchi & Saatchi, reserve the right to take legal action against these individuals.

Head of HI and Admin,
Ms. Cherry Yang
Saatchi & Saatchi Guangzhou, China

I love stories with a moral. And the moral of this one is - no matter how hard you try to be creative, chances are you're a knob-rash.

What I have to put up with

Anyone who goes out for lunch and comes back with Sushi because they think it's cool to eat at their desk is a complete and utter shit puss bucket of vomit-induced, bile-coated, syphilis-crusted waste of space. It's raw fish you just paid a fiver for. In Dave Ball's book that makes you a twat. Bon Apetite. I hope you get poisoned. Fucking suits.

Golden Balls

It’s that testical-tingling time of the year when all the sweat, tears and hard work you’ve put in as you’ve slogged your way through another shitty year is casually slapped back in your designer glasses wearing face by the immortal words “There are no awards in this category”.

Yes, it’s Awards’ season.

Well, I’m going to be at a few. And like the rest of you, I’ll be slagging off the competition (don’t even pretend you don’t). And getting more depressed as the evening drags on towards its inevitable outcome as I sit in the residents bar, looking like a pissed-up tramp who's just pulled an old DJ out of a bin and hasn't let the fact it's too tight put him off wearing it.

So, this said, why the fuck do we bother? We're fucking martyrs. let's face it, as long as there are people out there waiting to rip off advertisers by playing on the fact that they have egos the size of whale wangers, they are always going to be around.

But a few choice chants can liven up the night, get you into a fight and if you’re really lucky, ensure you never get a job in the one agency that is actually doing good enough work to win awards. Now if all this sounds like a really bad idea, just drink shit loads of beer on the night. Suddenly, it’s a fucking brilliant one.

Here are chants to remember which get the Dave Balls nod:

“It never ran.”
You know which ones they are. If you’ve really got Dave Balls, shout it as you pick up your own award. You cheating shit.

‘That’s not a real fucking client.”
Again, it don’t take rocket science. McCanns Manchester does not have a Shooting Range as a paying client or a local Decorator and if it does, then I don't want to use a fucking local decorator who can afford to use one of the largest ad agencies in the UK - how much does this bastard charge to do a room?

“Raise the bar.”
Appropriate for those pieces of work you’d be embarrassed to throw in your waste paper bin. Yet some trumpet blowing sperm-sack thinks he’s such a big-dick he’s entered it into the awards and, fuck me, gets something. Shout this one and if I hear it at an awards ceremony I'll send your table a bottle of something cheap.

“Twats”
Twating simple. Twating direct and says so twating much. Can be attached to any other chant for added emphasis.

“Eye Rape”
Dave Ball’s personal favourite.


Finally
In Dave Balls humble, yet always right opinion, the only awards worth entering are the Chip Shop Awards. They came as a result of everyone cheating and doing chip shop ads. So, pat yourself on the back for being so sodding clever. Also, D&AD tried to sue them for having awards in the shape of pencil shaped chips. Once again – a pat on the back for upsetting the Daddy of all advertising awards who should be applauding someone for being creative. Miserable bastards.

Finally, finally
Good luck in the award. Unless you're an eye raper.

Dave Balls does a crit

Today, I am criting a few advertising magazines. Why? I don’t know. And more to the point, I really don’t care.

Archive
Ads aren’t poncy arty-shite. They sell stuff. Get over it. You’re not Leonado Da Fuckin’ Vinci, you’re an Art Director selling paint or sofas or bastard bird feed. Just because it’s in Archive, it don’t mean it’s art. Archive the world’s most expensive magazine. Filled with ads. What a fucking brilliant idea. Let’s make a magazine fill it with ads then sell it back to the people who make the fuckin’ ads in the first place. Lurcher or whatever his name is, is a genius. And you’re a twat for getting excited cos you’re in it.

So, Archive get’s Dave Balls rating of 6 out of 10 for fukin’ over advertisers.

Creative Review
Design wank. Backslapping, poncy, Diesel-wearing, toss. If it was a person, it’d be Andy Warhol. Overhyped Twat. Dave Balls was impressed - it does happen- by Mother hi-jacking it and basically pissing off the entire design community by saying ‘you sell stuff.’
I wish I’d thought of that you clever gits.

Gets an ‘up-its-own-arse’ Dave Balls rating of 4. Sometimes has nice ads. But normally full of logos and designers called Quentin. (NB. The Mother edition get a Dave Balls rating of 9.)

Campaign
If you’re in London, you can read your name in it. If you’re not you can’t. Unless you’ve just killed a London Creative. Like you could be arsed. Makes you think you look cool reading it on the underground. When in fact it lets everyone know you are a knobjockey.

Dave Balls rating of 4. Southern biased bastards.

The Drum
This will mean nothing to anyone in London. It is the Sad inbred northern Ying to Campaign’s well-groomed, porche-driving Yang (think Rainman). Regional ad mag so everyone outside the capital can read their name in the press cos they know they’ll never be in Campaign.

Little known fact, if you are in the regions you will eventually be in it. And you don’t have to kill anyone. But don’t let that stop you.

Gets a Dave Balls rating of 4. It would have got more, but it is based in Scotland. And they didn’t support England in the World Cup.