Meet our new account handler

Long time, no see. And all that shit.

I hate fucking account handlers. I hate them so much, I amost like having them around, so I can hate them.

I know they serve a purpose, but then so does Toilet Duck. And I don't want to spend the day with it.

I spent an hour in a client meeting the other week trying to get out of them what they wanted to say. What made them different from the competition - if anything - as what they were saying previously was the same as everyone else.

Eventually we got somewhere. It wasn't hard. You just have to ask the right basted questions to get the right bastard answers.

So, fast forward to yesterday. Our sweet innocent account handler comes over to brief me holding her lovely new brief.

Now Dave Balls was impressed she'd actually managed to count how many people we're going to be in the briefing (3) and had the right ammount of copies of the brief (3). So far so good. Then we sit down and she goes through it.

Sweet Jesus. All she had to do was write the proposition we'd agreed the week earlier. That was all. The rest of the brief was the same. The target audience, the support, the media, everything thing.

Instead, she had decided to simply copy and paste (as far as I could tell) the same old proposition we'd been using the year before.

I mentioned this to her in my usual calm style. And pointed out she'd got the proposition wrong and told her what it should be. She commented on what a good memory I had for remembering. As she hadn't put it in her notes she'd made during the meeting.

I pointed out that it wasn't fucking difficult to fucking forget becasue it was all the fucking fucking fucking fucking meeting was fucking about for a fucking hour.

I remeber a quote from the movie 'Team America", when dictator Kim Jong says "Why is everyone so fucking stupid?"

Could it be because they are all account handlers?

And finally on a lighter note:

How many account handlers does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't let them, they'll fuck it up.

Why did the account handler cross the road?

Who cares as long as he gets run over.

What's the difference between a lorry load of sand and a lorry load of account handlers?

You can't empty a lorry load of sand with a pitchfork.

How many account handlers can you get in a Mini.

As many as you can then drive it off a fucking cliff.

Have a nice bank holiday.

(unless you're an account handler).

DAVE

BALLS

SUCKS

LOGOS

Dave Balls has let his blog slip. I've been off on a shoot. But now I'm back.

'Did it go well Dave?" I hear you ask. 'Have you created an award-winning ad?'

Did I fuck.

I am a prostitute to my art. A fat, sweaty, over made up tart. Giving the client what he wants then taking the money.

'Over 'ere darling, looking for a good concept? Course you are luvva. I know how you like it. Cor look at the size of your logo. That's a big one. Do you want me to put it somewhere nice. How about smack bang in the middle of your fucking ad? And make it as big as a house?'

I cry myself to sleep, cradling an empty bottle of rioja.

Welcome back.

Dave Balls Advertising Agony Uncle

As you may have guessed from my previous posts, Dave Balls is a creative guru, knowledgeable about all things advertising. Like Trevor Beattie, only with a decent haircut. And without the silly fucking accent.

So, ask me a bastard question or petty problem and through the power of the Internet, your query will be answered - probably.

Whether you gets an answer depends on a number of things:

1. Dave Balls knows the answer.
Although let's face it, when has that ever stopped someone in a client meeting spouting on for what seems like hours without saying anything of any god-damn relevance?

2. It is a decent bloody question.
I'm not answering any old bollocks.

3. Dave Balls gives a shit.
Dave Balls is busy doing ads not sat around waiting for you and your pointless fucking questions.

Little known fact: Planners are like jellyfish. They serve no purpose and they are bastards.

Weekend Balls

So, what does Dave Balls do at the weekend when he is not doing advertising? Well, he spends his time looking at other people's ads.

And I found the above creative jiz. I have no idea who did it. I have no idea where it ran. I have no idea why I bother when I see shit like this.

The fucking fact that 'Drink' and 'Drive' both start with 'Dri' and making me aware of the fact is enought to drive me to drink.

I've got news for you whever did this ad - Fuckwit, Fucker, Fuckhead, Fuckstick, Fuck-up and Fuck-you-in-the-ear all begin with Fuc.

How on God's green Earth does the above make me stop drink driving ? Dave Balls ticks both boxes. Your ad ticks none. Unless there's a Twaticus box. Whatever the fuck that is. Makes as much sense as that piece of shit ad.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Fuck-Up

Ever wondered if advertising works? Well, wonder no more, cos Dave Balls has proof. It has the power to lose you your job. As demonstrated by two Creatives at Saatchi’s in China.

Jesus-H-Christ these guys were thick. It is stories like this that brighten up my day. Now this did happen a few months ago. But I am not a fucking newspaper here.

First some background. There’s a website called adsoftheworld.com (if you’ve not been to it then do. It gets the Dave Balls stamp of approval). The site lets creative show-off to the world with their work. It’s a bit like Archive, only not as up its own arse and best of all you can slag off the work – now you see why I like it.

So anyway, these two Joeys decide to put this on:

For the short sighted ones - and if my mum was right, that is most of us, becasue we're ad wankers and it sends you blind - the line is 'Rebuild it, Lego'.

A nano-second later, the rest of the world is ready to lynch them - especially the Americans who think using the deaths of thousands of people to sell a kids building block is a tad off brief. Now, it seems these two creative fuckheads expected the world to applaud them for being advertising gods. And in order to receive their full credit these brain-donor numpties gave their names and said the work was produced on behalf of their agency - Saatchi’s China. But rather than advertisng gods, they are to become adverting son's of God, as they about to be fucking crucified.

Now, Saatchi’s finds out. I assume 2 nano-seconds later and make them pen a grovelling letter apologising for being so fucking stupid:

How many people apologise to the whole world, then end it 'Warm Regards'? They just keep getting stupider by the nano-second.

But it doesn’t end there. It gets better, stay with me. Saatchi’s then release this:

SAATCHI & SAATCHI
Statement from Saatchi & Saatchi China:
I would like to call to your attention to clarify that the previous LEGO ads posted here did not come from Saatchi & Saatchi China. Lego is not our China client. The creation of these fake ads was purely personal behavior. Saatchi & Saatchi China ( the company, senior executives, and our creative directors) have never seen nor approved to run these ads. After indepth investigation, two staff have been dismissed today as their irresponsible personal behavior have severely affected our company's professional image. Their illegally using Saatchi & Saatchi's name, and the senior director's name behind those ads without our company's consent is an intolerable act. We, Saatchi & Saatchi, reserve the right to take legal action against these individuals.

Head of HI and Admin,
Ms. Cherry Yang
Saatchi & Saatchi Guangzhou, China

I love stories with a moral. And the moral of this one is - no matter how hard you try to be creative, chances are you're a knob-rash.

What I have to put up with

Anyone who goes out for lunch and comes back with Sushi because they think it's cool to eat at their desk is a complete and utter shit puss bucket of vomit-induced, bile-coated, syphilis-crusted waste of space. It's raw fish you just paid a fiver for. In Dave Ball's book that makes you a twat. Bon Apetite. I hope you get poisoned. Fucking suits.